if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

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Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?


DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]


A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.


If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


Leaves are showing their true colors. This is why I do not trust trees.


WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?


Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.


I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it