@sixfootcandy “Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
@huntigula if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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@sixfootcandy 
@reesespiece_ Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”nLike that’s gonna stop me!
@alldrolledup 4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
@pilau me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
@Book_Krazy I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
@MelvinofYork My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
@ADHDeanASL friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
@ankles_so_weak [in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
@ltsModernFamiIy 