if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you