if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident