Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.