Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

phew

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Printer ink is expensive

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary