Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

The new American dream is an alien invasion.