Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…