[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
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a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Haha good job!!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
😭😭😭
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.