Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Me too door. Me too.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

tag yourself

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.