If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
DOOO EEEET
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.