If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
figuring out my emotional availability:
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
me and the Superbowl rn
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.