Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.