if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I know
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.