Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

What the hell is going on?

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

Admin smashed it 😂

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.