Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.