If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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I cannot stop laughing at this
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I know a bad idea when I see one.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one