If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️