Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

😂🍻

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough