If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word