If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
it’s not been my year
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.