If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
No, he would not have.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
From Facebook just now…
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I love snow
– People who never shovel