Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

dictator is short for richard potato

necessity is the mother of invention

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

congratulations to them

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*