Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?