If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
You Might Also Like
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
decorating my apartment
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area