If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
i want to work in this restaurant
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!