Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Meeeee too!

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Where is your GOD now????

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

“I wouldn’t.”

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too