If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
You Might Also Like
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
cause of death:
autopsy.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.