Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

how to market bottled water to dads

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.