If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”