If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Breaking news:
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
What an awful time to have common sense.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Look at this
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
