Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

I love it

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl