Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Chicago sounds lovely.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Bros before Ohioes

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*