Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

This meeting could have been a cake

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.