Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

jesus, what did this guy do

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*