If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
You Might Also Like
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Okay me first
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body