If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
😆this is so true
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide