Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.