If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.