Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

…..pretty much.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Tony Hawk, age 6

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted