if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Cat or sheep
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
hi why am I like this
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.