if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
groan^2
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
