if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby