Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy