If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now