Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Look, a pure bread cat!

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR