If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
According to math, I’m broke
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”