Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.