“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
This is enough internet for the day.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
airing out the snack pack
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Yep.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
This is no longer an app but a mishapp