“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
You Might Also Like
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”