“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open