“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I can also cook 😂
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly