if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Finally
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER