if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God