anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.