If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?