If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.