@Lisacossey1

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

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@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

@omerwahaj

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@threetimedaddy

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

@Llama5x

*eats dinner with two portions, one for each personality*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

@LosLos__

Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.

@Jerrypleasure

[Date]
waiter: what would you like to have?

me: bring a milkshake with two straws

date: *smiles*

me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink