“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*eats dinner with two portions, one for each personality*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
waiter: what would you like to have?
me: bring a milkshake with two straws
me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink