If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Today’s Times
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
IT’S-A ME,
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing