If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Come back with a warrant
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Time for evil
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.