If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
dogs can find happiness so easily
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”