If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
If you know, you know
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
real
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system