If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.