If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My time has come.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!