If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
checking out some reviews of my local library
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*