If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
You Might Also Like
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
what could possibly go wrong?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break