If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.