If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Mapping America’s Far Right
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.