If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
This headline is a thing of beauty
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Dumple
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale