If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes