If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁


After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.


SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.


I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!


You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.


wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]


Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring


PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.


Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin