COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[judging dog show]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Since when did ‘scrotum brown’ become a cool colour to buy a jeep in?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!
Her: Because all the candy is gone
Me: Ooooh right. So many.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.