@TheRolo

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

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@ArfMeasures

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@joejwest

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

@Matchema

Since when did ‘scrotum brown’ become a cool colour to buy a jeep in?

@notthenanny

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

@hazelmotes1

Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.

@SteveSuckington

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.