If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
christening a ship with an overripe banana
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology