If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
There is no try. There is only give up.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?