If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
boys are so easy to impress
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.